Peridot is Dummy Thicc
by flameshadow12
Summary: The result of what happens when I only am functioning on one singular brainc cell and haven't slept in an entire day. This was first posted on Ao3.
1. Chapter 1

It was a week after the events involving the Diamonds and Homeworld. For the most part, things were relatively normal, and by normal we mean absolute chaos because of all the newly uncorrupted Crystal Gems. Everyone was up to their own shenanigans, having a grand ol' time and such, except for our gay space rock farmers living at the barn. Everything was going well at the barn until recently, due to Peridot deciding out of nowhere she would try shapeshifting again, and well, it worked for the most part, though there were MAJOR downsides.

:Peridot one day found an old laptop, which was not in the best conditions while wandering about in Beach City. Looking at the device, she'd decided to take it back to the barn and proceed to repair it. It took hours to restore the device back into good conditions, but the work payed off. The laptop looked brand new, as if it was fresh out from box or store that it was in. She proceeded to praise herself, telling herself how great and smart she is, and then pressed the power on device. It was low on battery. Frustrated, Peridot prowled around Beach City looking for someone who could help her with her laptop's problem. She spotted Ronaldo, and proceeded to follow him to where he regularly hung out with his tech equipment and such. Once inside of Ronaldo's place, with Ronaldo somehow not noticing at first, she attempted to grab the things she needed on a sly. Ronaldo immediately noticing Peridot, and became startled, before going into a defensive state, he shrieked out in fear, "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE AAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH", as he started to charge towards Peridot. Peridot proceeded to defend herself by yeeting a bunch of metal stuff at Ronaldo, knocking him out instantly, and steeling his laptop's charger.

Peridot got back to the farm after a while, Lapis was there resting and lifted her head up when she noticed Peridot was back, she wanted to question was Peridot was up to, but decided to wait and see. Peridot brought the charger to the laptop and plugged it in, getting ready to start her adventure on the internet. She clicked the browser, the internet browser, it was slow as fuck, like Internet Explorer on Windows XP trying to load Sherwood Dungeon or Poptropica, it was agonizingly sluggish. "F U CK", Peridot yelled, as she got up and ventured her way back towards Ronaldo's place. He was still out cold, he might be breathing, might not be, Peridot didn't care she was just there to find the stuff needed to solve her internet problem. She spotted then stole a few wires and Ronaldo's newly bought internet router.

Once back on the farm, Peridot fixes everything up, and goes online. She browses the internet for a while, but then,...she finds THE HELLSITE, no, not Tumblr, but the OTHER hellsite. She scrolls down the front page of the site, seeing multiple poorly drawn men and women with unnaturally cheeks, she finds it all intriguing, then an idea pops into her head.

The Next Day, Around Evening

Lapis is wondering around, watering the crops, watering Pumpkin, and just generally hanging around when she notices something. She hasn't seen Peridot in almost the entire, she becomes slightly nervous. Usually Peridot would be hanging around her, talking to her, or they'd be watching Camp Pining Hearts together. The fact that Peridot has not come out the barn for quite a while concerned her greatly. She started to make her approach to the barn, holding her breath, though she really didn't need to. She slowly opened the doors to the barn and what she saw next shook her greatly. "what the actual fuck", Lapis whispered gaping at what she saw in front of her. She saw Peridot, but for some reason she was dummy thicc. "Lapis help", Peridot said, Lapis immediately approached her with fear and concern, "What is it? Are you hurt?", Lapis asked. Peridot replied, "well, no I'm not". Lapis asked, clearly confused, "then what's the problem". Peridot sighed, and proceeded to walk, clapping noises accompanying her every movement. "I'm dummy thicc and the clap of my asscheeks keep alerting Homeworld and the Diamond authority", replied Peridot. Immediately after Peridot's reply, the duo hear the sound of ships coming from the sky. They immediately sprint out the barn, with erratic clapping noises to accompany.

They're here.


	2. Chapter 2

On Homeworld...

*clap*

*clap*

*clap*

'There goes those sounds again.', thought Yellow Pearl, wondering if anyone else aside from her could hear these claps. It'd been going on for hours, and frankly Yellow Pearl was quite annoyed by this. She noticed her diamond seems to either be ignoring the sounds or she hasn't noticed. Aside from the clapping sounds, things have gotten much better on Homeworld, gems and even Pearls were granted more freedom to do whatever they wanted, Off-Colors could roam Homeworld without living in the constant state of fear, and fusion with different gems wasn't forbidden anymore. It appears that the Diamonds have become more lenient, it may have something to do with Pink Diamond after she reappeared….

The Pearl's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Yellow and Blue Diamond entering the room from a…."meeting" in Blue's chambers.

*clap*

*clap*

*clap*

"Ya'll hear sumthin?'", Blue asked, seemingly just noticing the sound. "Nah, it's most likely just the walls, Blue, they never stop gossiping afterall…", Yellow replied. But then suddenly…

*BOOM*

*BOOM*

*CLAP*

What fuck was that?

Almost immediately after, White, with her radiant body shining as brightly as Ragyo or Satsuki Kiryuiin, came bursting through the door, killing some of the guards instantly. "IS THAT THE SOUNDS OF ASS. CHEEKS. I HEAR!?", White Diamond exclaimed, scaring everyone in the room. Everyone is either too afraid or scaroused to answer. Even if White is an off-color literal white supremacist, she is fucking terrifying, especially when she could shatter everyone in the room by stepping on them with her heels, or simply brainwashing them. Next thing we knew, she picked up a gem, a Ruby, that seemed very timid. White looked down at the Ruby she held in her palm, "Why hello there, you darling little Ruby. I suppose _YOU_ wouldn't be able to confirm what I heard would you? Maybe I'm mistaken", said White Diamond, with her gaze piercing through the Ruby. The Ruby stuttered, "w-Well you see my diamond, I-I don't know-" White interrupted the Ruby with laughter, then said with an aggressive smile, " ' ?. Well then, it seems you're of no use to me then….YEET", White yeets the Ruby into space, and everyone begins panicking. She takes this as a sign that it's pretty much confirmed that the sounds were ass cheeks. White yells, as she grabs both Blue and Yellow by their shoulders, "ALRIGHT BABES PACK UP YOUR FUCKING SHIT, AND GET INTO YOUR SHIPS, WE ABOUT TO CLAP WHOEVER KEEPS CLAPPING THEIR CHEEKS". And so they locate whoever keeps alerting them through cheek claps. They send a message to the ass clapper, saying:

'Meet us in the Denny's parking lot at midnight for an asskicking, bring weapons'

-The Diamond Authority


	3. Chapter 3

Back on Earth

After Lapis had a full conversion with Peridot, things were chill, except for the fact a gem had fallen out of the sky towards the city. Initially they thought that they thought that since the claps from Peridot's ass cheeks were so loud, it would attract some higher ups, turns out later on, it did, but that's not what we're talking about right now. The duo ended up relaxing for a bit inside the barn, however, Lapis couldn't keep her eyes from gazing upon Peridot's thiccness. Peridot's cheeks were very round, like Kim Kardasian's but more thicc and less plastic. Peridot notices Lapis' lingering gaze, and stands up, turning her head slightly to Lapis and says, "You're craving my mcnuggies aren't you Lazuli uwu". Peridot then purposely makes her cheeks clap. Lapis goes into a gay panic. "WHAT NO?", Lapis yells,"I not 'craving' anything from you". "Oh, are you su-", started Peridot, when she was bombarded by messages from the Crystal Gems, saying the Diamonds were coming and they seemed pissed.

Lapis and Peridot made their way to the temple rather quickly, and were met with a scene of utter chaos. "I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TRUSTED THOSE BITCHES', Garnet yelled angrily as she punched a nearby rock, shattering it instantly. "GARNET PLEASE CALM DOWN, WHILE I AGREE, WE SHOULDN'T BE USING HUMAN SWEARS AROUND STEVEN'S PROXIMITY OF HEARING", Pearl yelled in a panicked tone. Steven appeared and yelled, "Guys, please….calm down, I'm sure there's something we can do, maybe this time we actually can solve this without fighting like last time…!?". Everyone took this into consideration when suddenly a white lazer shot out from space, leaving Steven's home destroyed once again. Steven and the others looked in horror, at the fact they were all almost killed if it hadn't been for the fact they were a distance away from the temple.

"Eeeeehhhh….on second thought, maybe fighting isn't an all too bad of a thing to do…", Steven said, "But wait we don't have that many on our side to fight 3 Diamonds…..unfortunately I guess this means we'll have to gather humans too" Steven sighed, knowing the consequences of this, but this was the only way the Diamonds could be defeated. "So….where are we supposed to meet for the fight again?", asked one gem. "The Denny's parking lot", replied Amethyst. "What the fuck's a Denny's?", asked another gem, confused like all the others.

"That's besides the point", said Garnet gaining back her composure, "Our objective is to round up as many humans as possible, and beat the Diamonds, we don't have much time, now lets split up, some humans, and meet together at the Denny's". All the gems then split to gather humans in different locations.

Later, everyone has gathered at the Denny's ready to fight, they gathered around 100 humans or more. Everyone was there except Ronaldo. Steven notices this and is puzzled, Ronaldo would be excited to participate in something like this so why wasn't he here? Steven decided to ask about Ronaldo's whereabouts. His reply from a person was "Oh, Fryboy? He died after getting Mesothelioma at Claire's, don't worry about it though, his family is entitled to financial compensation", "Oh", Steven replied not knowing how to respond to that.

Not too long after, everyone could see the Diamond's ships in the sky. Everyone prepared their weapons. Denny's employees closed shop doors the second they saw the huge ass ship. Then, the ship landed in the road, and out came the diamonds. 2 people offed themselves the minute they saw their enemy. Some people started to gay panic because their enemies, whom they were expected to fight, were all H O T, especially the yellow one, who was basically the strongest one there who could stomp you and kill you instantly. Next thing you know, Garnet yells for everyone to attack , some gems fuse to fight and then everyone proceeds to go after them. Then suddenly more gems, on the diamonds side come out of nowhere to battle. One human going against a gem used their family's sword to slice the gem in half, poofing them, then proceeded to go feral, and poof a few other gems, before being knocked unconscious by a rogue gem. A Jasper and Agate were going at each other, but apparently there was some tension between the two which caused them to leave battle and go off to somewhere more private. A human got their head stomped in by a gem, and a close by human puked at the sight, another whom was close in grabbing distance, got grabbed by said gem and thrown into the ground with sheer force brain matter everywhere. A gem the size of an ant picked up a large rock then threw into the eyes of Blue Diamond, who fell instantly, the fusions took this opening to beat the shit out of Blue until she poofed. This then caused Yellow to go apeshit, she used lightning bolt and it was very effective, accidentally poofing White, who would surely be pissed about that later, poofing many gems, and either killing or knocking out a few humans.

Then suddenly a different gem appears, half human, half gem, like Steven, their weapon was a golden gauntlet, and they had the ant-sized gem captive in their non-weaponized hand. The halfling introduced himself as "Thanos", and told everyone that in one snap he could do away with everyone's existence.

Everyone was gangster until Thanos arrived, and now they were panicking because he was about to snap, but suddenly Thanos felt something tickling his butthole when he realizes he wasn't holding the ant gem anymore, his eyes bulge immediately and his facial expression turns into that of absolute fear.

The rippening commences….

The fighting is over, ambulances are called to help the injured and dispose of bodies, the diamonds go home and are chewed out by White, and everyone else goes back home traumatized at what they saw that day, while Lapis and Peridot are just passive about the events that unfolded before them.

The Denny's that area is now known as the place where The Great Denny's War happened.


End file.
